Hooked on Phonics

I never have been one to like doing something that doesn't come easily.  Call me stubborn or competitive but if I'm not good or can't convincingly bullshit my way through it... well I'm just not going to do it.  In comes cooking.  The closest thing to gourmet to come out of my oven is Digiorno.  If you were to inspect my fridge you'd find left overs, ice cream, condiments, several bottles of Pellegrino and maybe some limes?  So my lack of skills in the culinary world has been brought to full attention thanks to one man.  Now that I have my own personal chef, per se... there's no need to ever invest in such skills.  Until now.  The idea of cooking dinner for a chef tonight... has left me wanting to order in and destroy my kitchen to cover the evidence.  Where's Hooked on Phonics for cooking... cause it sure as hell hasn't worked for me.